


The World Will Go On Turning

by ARTmeg



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-23
Updated: 2013-05-06
Packaged: 2017-12-09 07:57:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/771874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ARTmeg/pseuds/ARTmeg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is dead and Merlin is left alone beside the lake. When most of his remaining friends come for him, will they be able to accept him once they know the truth about everything?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Lionheart Without His King

**Author's Note:**

> "Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, "It might have been."
> 
> \- John Greenleaf Whittier

(No young man, no matter how great, can know his destiny. He cannot glimpse his part in the great story that is about to unfold. Like everyone, he must live and learn. And so it will be for the young warlock arriving at the gates of Camelot. A boy that will, in time, father the legend. His name: Merlin.)

Merlin half sat and half collapsed down beside the lake of Avalon, staring blankly out over the calm water. He could feel time passing around him but it was as if he was separate from it all, drowning in memories and regrets. The pain sat heavily on his soul like an invisible, festering wound that he knew would never completely heal.

("One thing I tell all my young knights, no man is worth your tears."

"Yeah. You're certainly not.")

The sight of Arthur's hand rising out of the water to catch Excalibur was still haunting his thoughts. Merlin supposed he should be grateful that Arthur's soul had reached Avalon safely, but he couldn't bring himself to feel anything other than suffocating despair. What did somebody do once they had lost all their sense of purpose? He clutched at the grass beside him, squeezed it like he was holding on to what was left of his shattered reality.

("We can't, it's too late. It's too late."

"No."

"With all your magic, Merlin, and you can't save my life."

"I can. I'm not going to lose you."

"Just, just hold me. Please.")

He was just a boy. Just some boy with the name of Merlin and who just happened to be the most powerful warlock to ever exist. Burdened and blessed with a destiny that for so long had weighed heavily on him and everything he did. He had fought enough. And what for? For emptiness. For loneliness. All of it came to here. To this nothing. To sitting alone beside this lake, surrounded by broken promises.

("Everything you've done. I know now. For me, for Camelot. For the kingdom you helped me build…"

"You'd have done it without me."

"Maybe. I want to say...Something I've never said to you before… Thank you.")

He sat motionless, watching the full moon's shining reflection in the calm waters of the Lake, the white tower in the distance that had been their only hope almost glowing in it's light. He couldn't understand how the world could seem so peaceful, didn't it realize what had been lost this night? If it could reflect his feelings the very earth itself would be shrieking with unbearable pain.

("I can't loose him, he's my friend!")

Unbidden, his thoughts strayed back to when he first met Arthur; he'd thought he was nothing but an arrogant bullying prat, and a royal one.

("You called me "friend."

"That was my mistake."

"Yes, I think so."

"Yeah. I'd never have a friend who could be such an ass."

"Or I one who could be so stupid.")

Then he'd meet Kilgharrah, who had revealed that it was his destiny to protect that very same Arthur. After Merlin saved his life for the first time by pulling him out of the way of a dagger, to both his and Arthur's displeasure Uther made him Arthur's man-servant. But he learned there was more to the prince than he had thought, and they gained a mutual respect and trust for each other. Although for some it would be hard to see this, considering how much they had insulted each other.

("Maybe I know something that they don't."

"Which is?"

"You know, that you're a cabbage-head"

"... Maybe. I should've listened to you Merlin. Just this once I think you were right. Even if you are the worst servant in the five kingdoms.")

Before he knew it and and no matter how unlikely it sounds, they formed a bond that was equal to that of brothers, despite the difficulties posed by differences in their status and the fact that they weren't supposed to be friends at all. They hardly ever acknowledged their brotherly bond though, it was more some kind of unspoken and unexplainable force.

("You've been here all night?"

"I didn't want you to feel that you were alone."

"You are a loyal friend Merlin.")

He wasn't sure how much time passed as he sat in a sleepless almost catatonic state beside the lake, before a voice in his mind interrupted his thoughts and called him by his druid name.

"Emrys."

Looking to his right he saw a large gathering of what could only be Druids, their faces somber as they inclined their heads respectfully. The Druid Merlin knew as Iseldir was standing a little ahead of the others, his dark knowing eyes sorrowful as he observed Merlin.

"You and Arthur have brought peace to the lands, and for this we thank you." said Iseldir, still in his mind "Even though he is gone, Arthur will never be forgotten among our people, for he is the Once and Future King. Like you we will await the day when he returns once again."

Merlin considered speaking aloud, but the magical touch of one mind to another felt more appealing at that moment "But nobody knows when that day will come".

Iseldir shook his head regretfully "No, we don't. l wish I had an answer for you, but not even the druids know everything. One thing is for sure though: you will face hard times Emrys, and you must be strong." He paused for a moment as though debating to say something more. "You need to remember that you are not alone in your suffering. You can turn to your friends." Iseldir bowed "If you ever require the assistance of our people, we will give it freely. We owe you a great debt Emrys, one that can never be repaid."

"Thank you. But we are not free yet." he said listlessly

"No." agreed Iseldir "But the time is upon us." He studied Merlin for a long moment before making one last comment, this time aloud "Arthur is very lucky to have a friend such as you."

And with that the druids silently melted back into the shadows of the forest, leaving him on his own.

Despite Iseldir's words, Merlin felt as though he had failed them all, deprived them of the destiny they all hoped for. Arthur's golden age was meant to last until they were both old men, so why had it ended so soon? Now that Arthur had defeated Albion's greatest threat; had the world decided that he was no longer needed until it required his services once again? Kilgharrah had said that as the Once and Future King it was Arthur's destiny to return when Albion needs him most. Destiny never really seems to have cared about Merlin's needs.

("You belong at Arthur's side. I've seen how much he needs you, how much you need him. You're like two sides of the same coin.")

Merlin wasn't sure how long it was before he was once again shaken from his sleepless stupor by the sound of approaching horses behind him. He didn't look around though, not caring whether they were friend or foe. If they were foe, he would strike them down. If they were friend, well, he wasn't sure what he would do. Was he ready to go back to Camelot? Would he ever be again? Did he really even have a choice? 'no' he realized. He didn't.

The horses snorted and pawed the ground restlessly as he listened to the riders dismounting, followed by muffled footsteps as multiple people approached him, and it was only when one said his name softly that he turned around to see Gwaine, Percival, Gwen, and Sir Leon. Gaius must have told them where their destination had been, because they didn't seem surprised to see him.

"Where is Arthur?" Asked Gwen right off, and Merlin could hear the fear in her voice.

He stared at her, his eyes glazed and bearing more sorrow than someone his age should ever experience.

"Merlin, where is Arthur." she repeated a little more loudly, obviously desperate for a different answer than the one she saw in his entire body.

"He-" Merlin started, but his voice cracked after what could potentially have been days of ill use. He swallowed hard and made another attempt "We didn't make it in time."

A ringing silence followed these words as the others let this simple yet devastating statement sink in. "No, don't say that." Whispered Gwen, taking a step towards him "Anything but that. "

"He's dead." Merlin said bluntly. There. He had said it. And now that they had all heard it he could never take it back. He drew his knees up to his chest with no desire or intention to move. Not yet.

Gwen covered her mouth with her hands, shaking her head. "No, no he can't, he can't be!"

The knights had gathered around Merlin and Gwen, the knowledge that Arthur was dead was just impossible to accept, leaving even Gwaine speechless. Leon had given her the seal and officially the king had been announced dead, but that hadn't been confirmed. Not until now.

Turning to the lake, Gwen stared over the water where her King and husband had been laid to rest. She was Queen and knew she would have to be strong for her people, but that time wasn't now and she didn't feel the need to hide her tears in front of the Knights. Or maybe she did, but couldn't help the sobs that now wracked her slim frame. Merlin knew the knights understood, and would not think her weak for her tears. Although for Gwen and possibly his own sake, they did their best to retain their composure, but frankly without much success.

("Look around Arthur, we would fight a thousand armies with our bare hands for you. you are not alone. We stand together.")

For the first time since they had arrived Merlin really looked at them, and saw that all of them looked rather worse for the wear: It was actually rather alarming how weak Gwaine looked, supported by Percival he looked both physically and mentally drained. Percival himself had a haunted look in his eyes, and there was no hint of the impish smile he often sported. A bandage wound tightly around his bare upper arm and bruises around his wrists, as though for some reason at some point he had been restrained. Leon looked, there was no other word for it, old. His shoulders were hunched slightly and he looked utterly defeated. His face bore a long scratch down the side of his face and he seemed to be slightly favoring his right leg. Gwen was wearing her traveling clothes and looked relatively unscathed, though rather tired and worn. But they were all alive, and for that he was relieved.

Gwaine looked towards Merlin and he quickly turned away from them all, not wanting to dwell on how all of their eyes seemed unnaturally bright as they gazed out over the lake. He felt shame, as though he had failed them as well as the world of magic. And he did not want to see the accusation that he was scared might be in their eyes, despite the friendship they shared. Their friend and king was dead, and it was all because of him.

There was no sense of victory about them, what was the point of having won the battle against the Saxons, when in the end they had still essentially lost? Although, perhaps that wasn't entirely true; in winning the battle they had saved Camelot. But despite how horrible and selfish the thought was, if given the choice Merlin would gladly sacrifice Camelot if it meant that Arthur would return to them.

The sharp scraping of a sword came from the direction of the Knights and he turned again to see that Gwaine, with some difficulty, had drawn his sword and was now raising it into the air in a kind of salute. One by one the other knights did the same, leaving him and Gwen to simply bow their heads.

After a few moments they lowered their swords again, sheathing them once again. Leon walked over to Merlin and held out his hand which he took after a moments hesitation, letting him pull him to his feet. "How?" Asked Leon quietly, resting a gloved hand on his shoulder.

Looking up at him, it hit Merlin how much he hated the pity he saw in Leon's eyes. He thought it might even be worse than anger or blame. "It was Mordred-He... He Stabbed Arthur with a blade forged from a dragons breath, and a bit of it broke off. There was nothing I could do." The last bit came out in a rush, as though he was desperate to explain himself, to make them understand that even his best had not been enough. Although to them he was merely a servant who Arthur shared a strange bond with and had also become a friend and sort of little brother to them. He was certain that their thought of what his best would be wasn't very impressive.

"Did he, did he mention me at all, during your journey towards the lake before he, died?" Inquired Gwen quietly after she had regained her composure, slowly closing the distance to stand beside him, taking his hand in hers. In that touch he felt friendship, and wondered if it would still feel like that if they knew everything.

Squeezing her hand slightly Merlin nodded once "Yes, he said to tell you he loved you, and he knew Camelot was safe in your hands". In truth Arthur had said no such thing, but Merlin couldn't bring himself to tell Gwen she wasn't mentioned. It occurred to him that It really had all been about himself and Arthur. .

She nodded, and Merlin could see she was glad he had been thinking of her. At least some lies he told didn't hurt people. After a moment's hesitation she asked a question Merlin had been hoping to avoid for as long as he could "I'm sorry but I need to ask, what of Morgana? Last I heard she was pursuing you.". Out of the corner of his eyes Merlin saw the Knight's heads turn to look at him, waiting for his answer.

"Dead" answered Merlin flatly "I killed her." He remembered how he had held her as she died, just like he had when he poisoned her. Their rivalry had ended as it had begun.

Like the others Gwen felt no loss at Morgana Pendragon's death, to her once friends she had died long ago to be replaced with a stranger. But like Merlin she did feel a pang of sadness for what they once had- what had been lost as Morgana was slowly consumed by her hate.

Drawing his hand from hers he turned his body to face her he said in a hushed voice "I'm sorry, I did all I could". And Merlin felt that that was one of the worst parts; that he had tried his best, but still his best hadn't, in the end, been enough.

She nodded, forcing a smile that was none the less sincere "I understand Merlin, If you couldn't save him, nothing could". Merlin thought he saw a little to much understanding in her eyes but didn't want to dwell on it.

They all sat in silence, sharing the pain that came with the death of Arthur Pendragon- both King, companion, and friend. All the knights seemed to sense that they both just needed to be left in peace for now, despite the fact that they all longed to comfort their friend. Gwaine in particular was struggling against his urge, they all knew the king and his servant had shared a closer bond than he had with any of them.

Eventually Merlin reached into one of his pockets and withdrew something small "Here, he would have wanted you to have this." Merlin held out his hand, offering Gwen the wedding ring that he had taken from Arthur's finger.

The sight of it brought more tears to Gwen's eyes. Fighting them back, she reached out and carefully took it from him, closed her hand around it and holding it close as though it was the most precious thing in the world. At that moment, to her it probably was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first completed fanfic! Just so you know this Starts about an hour after Merlin has his funeral for Arthur when he finally calms down after he dissolves in tears, breaking all our hearts in the process.
> 
> Gwaine survived in this, just because I think he's needed to break the ice, and because I couldn't stand it when he died. I doubt any of you will object.
> 
> this is my first FanFic, so please review and tell me what you thought! Next chapter will be up soon!


	2. The Strength of Friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.
> 
> -Marcus Tullius Cicero

Feeling as though he was moving underwater Merlin took the flint and steel from a small pouch on a saddlebag, kneeling beside the small pile of wood perfectly arranged for a fire. The flint and steel felt familiar in his hands and he struck them together as he had so many times before, but is heart really wasn't in it and after a few tries they slipped from his numb fingers to land on the ground with dull thumps. He made no attempt to retrieve them. The simple tasks of setting up camp only reminded him painfully of all the other dangerous and often almost suicidal quests Arthur had led him on.

The Knights and Gwen glanced at each other in both concern and understanding. Leon took pity and went down on one knee beside Merlin, reaching out to retrieve the flint and start the fire himself. But feeling an icy resignation Merlin pushed his hands away. "No."

His heart which had been racing wildly in his chest when he had shown Arthur was now just a heavy throb, an ache deep inside. There was still fear, but it was buried so far under sorrow and despair that it was combined with a cold indifference. He reached one hand towards the fire "Forbearnan" He said in the tongue of the old religion, not bothering to keep his voice down. His eyes flared gold In a second there was a cheery fire dancing amongst the wood.

Everything had gone still around him and he could feel all eyes upon him though he didn't meet any of them, instead staring into the leaping flames. The only sound around them was the crackling of the fire that they were all acutely aware had been started using magic. After a moment he broke the silence,

"I'm done, I just can't do it anymore." He felt tears sliding down his face, but didn't care and let them fall.

("I swear I will protect you or die at your side.")

"It doesn't matter now, so what if I'm executed for my magic. I defeated the Saxons, I killed Morgana, but Arthur died anyway."

In the relief of dropping the pretense he had held for years in front of his friends and voicing his feelings to them he couldn't seem to stop talking, the words tumbling out before he even had the chance to think about what he was saying.

"It was my destiny to serve him, to protect him, but I failed. I had my chances, but each time I made the wrong decision." His expression became bitter "I'm supposed to be Emrys, the most powerful warlock of all time. But what's the use of power if you can't even save someone you care about.?" He brought his hands up, clutching his hair like he sometimes did in times of great distress and confusion. He felt a sudden burst of anger at the injustice of it all "It's not fair!" he screamed to the world in general, to destinies and fates which refused to be changed.

As he shouted his magic burst out of him in a rush and the mild fire suddenly turned violent- swelling and shooting high into the air for a few moments, making everybody jump and Percival almost fall off the rock where he had been perched.

It was a tense moment- nobody really knew what to do or say to this outburst and drastic turn of events. Even Gwen who had guessed was startled. Had he really been carrying such a weight on his shoulders for so many years? Did he honestly feel that everything was his fault? That he had failed? None of the knights were prepared for a situation like this, that Merlin was sorcerer was just so... so impossible for the knights to believe, Magic was evil, and Merlin was not.

His face was hidden in his hands but Merlin clearly heard soft footsteps heading in his direction and tensed, determinedly not looking up. But then the last thing on Earth he had expected to happen happened. Gentle hands that could only be Guinevere's laid on his shoulders and she simply pulled him into a close embrace, his head resting on her shoulder. Gently, as though he were a little child, he felt her stroke his hair, sparking memories of his mother doing the same when he had been a child.

Impulsively he tried to pull back but she tightened her arms and didn't allow it. "It's okay Merlin. It's all going to be alright."

Despite his embarrassment for a moment he forgot she was his Queen and relaxed in a friend's arms. He felt bewildered and confused by her reaction, hadn't she seen his magic? He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself and willing his body to stop trembling. Although he accepted it from her he didn't want kindness, although he didn't know why. Was it that he thought he didn't deserve it?

"You know Merlin, you'll be much more useful in a tavern brawl now." commented Gwaine somewhat randomly, breaking the silence around them. It felt good to laugh even just a little, something that only hours before he hadn't been sure he would ever do again.

As he looked around at his friends, for the first time since Arthur had died it occurred to Merlin that maybe, just maybe, Some things were going to be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are greatly appreciated!   
> Next chapter on it's way!


	3. What Matters is the Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness and ignorance."
> 
> \- Henry David Thoreau

Gwen withdrew from one of the saddle bags a small glass bottle filled with a dark blue liquid, and Merlin immediately recognized it as one of Gaius's dreamless sleeping draughts. He opened his mouth to protest but at a look from Gwen he obediently drank it, grimacing at the vile taste. He didn't have the energy to argue, and he hadn't been able to sleep on his own.

Laying down in the sleeping roll they had brought for him he looked over at each of his friends in turn, still in a state of mild disbelief "Thank you." With that, he rolled over onto his side and closed his eyes. He felt the effects of the potion tugging him gently yet firmly down into the oblivion and surrendered, drifting into the peace of a dreamless sleep.

. . . . . . .

Despite the fact that Merlin had just taken a sleeping potion and for the first time in three days was sleeping soundly, the Knights and Gwen moved to the far end of the little clearing they had made camp just to be safe. The truth remained unspoken, but it hung in the air, visible to every one of them and even Gwaine couldn't ignore its presence. They were all fond of Merlin, he had been beside them through so much, but this wasn't something that could be ignored. A mutual decision had to be verbally made. It made a brilliant distraction from dwelling on Arthur.

"Well that was… unexpected." Said Leon, breaking the silence and leaning against a tree, folding his arms across his chest. He had always known there was something about that young man. He would suddenly turn all wise and gave inspirational speeches just when Arthur needed them most, and he seemed so determined to protect Arthur even if it meant he would die in the process. That went far beyond duty, and he'd never been able to quite understand it. Then again, there were many things about Arthur and Merlin's relationship that he did not understand so he had long since learned to simply accept it.

"I'm actually not very surprised." Mused Gwaine thoughtfully, gingerly sitting down on a stump, still feeling some pain from Morgana's torture despite Gaius's best efforts; not very many people survived when tortured using a Nathair, so not much was known about how to treat the after effects of it's venom. Ignoring Percival's anxious glance he flipped his hair away from his face with a casual flick of his head "I always had the feeling that there was something about him none of us knew. How else could he have survived all those adventures we went on, usually coming out of them relatively in one piece?"

They all chuckled at that, remembering how reckless the young man was, determined to always be at Arthur's side no matter how dangerous. How much he was willing to do for any of them. But the thought of Arthur sobered them at once.

Percival absently broke off a small stick from a bush and began snapping little bits off, tossing them aside "What did he mean that he defeated the Saxons?" he wondered aloud to no one in particular, sounding puzzled.

"He was the old sorcerer who used the lightning to strike them down. The one who turned away the dragon." explained Gwen calmly. She had already figured out about Merlin's magic, and to her own surprise had no trouble accepting it. Although it was a surprise that Merlin was also the one called Emrys, the greatest sorcerer in history. But after seeing what he had done with the lightning, it wasn't as difficult to believe as it would be if she hadn't.

The other knights looked at her incredulously "You mean Merlin was that old man, who called himself Dragoon the Great?!" burst out Percival indignantly, recalling how the old man had actually used him, Elyan, and Percival as steps in order to get on his horse when they happened upon him in the forest.

The knights were silent as they recalled their various experiences with the old, sassy, disrespectful, and absolutely infuriating old Sorcerer before trying to associate him with Merlin. Now that they realized he had never been a threat to Camelot at all and had actually been a steadfast ally, it gave them a different view and they burst out laughing at how ridiculous it all was.

"I bet Merlin thoroughly enjoyed himself with that." said Gwaine a little ruefully.

"Yes, I'm sure he did." Agreed Leon, "What a perfect opportunity to get back at us. And now that I think of it, the old man never really put any of us in danger."

"It was odd" mused Gwen, also smiling "Why a Sorcerer just happened to turn up when he did, getting himself caught after confessing to a nonexistent crime and planting false evidence. It was a bit convenient."

Nobody questioned her on this, because all of them knew there had been no enchantment. The love she and Arthur shared- had shared, was no result of a spell or potion.

"Well in my opinion" said Gwaine straightening up "warlock or not he is still Merlin, and I'll always trust him to fight at my side even if he's using magic."

"I have never entirely agreed with the laws against magic in Camelot, and you're right." agreed Percival, nodding slightly and clasping Gwaine on the shoulder "He's still our friend."

"Law be damned." said Leon much to the surprise of the other knights who had always thought him to be the most proper of them all. "I can't imagine Arthur ever giving the order to have Merlin put to death, let alone exiled."

All eyes turned to Gwen as though they suddenly remembered they were standing in the presence of their queen, and now sole ruler of Camelot.

"He may have magic but there is no evil in Merlin's heart." She said simply and without any hint of uncertainty "And as Gwaine said, sorcerer or not, he is our friend. When we return, I am going to lift the ban on magic and change how the people of our kingdom see magic. I have no doubt that Merlin will continue to do all he can, because that is the kind of person he is; he never gives up on what he believes in. He will not let this break him, and neither will I let myself be broken.

"Do you think Merlin told Arthur?" inquired Percival quietly, looking curious.

"I am sure he did" nodded Gwen with a sigh "No doubt it was hard for him at first, but I have a feeling that it all worked out between them in the end". She smiled gently "Neither of them could ever hate the other."

The Knights all shared a smile at that, because it really was ridiculous how true that simple statement was. Disguised by all the disrespect, insults, and mild abuse that went on between them, there was a friendship the likes of which none of them had ever seen or could ever understand.

Gwen stood tall "When we return I will lift the ban on magic and lay down new laws to govern its use. Magic will once again have a place in Camelot, and the good of it will be seen as well as the bad. Because of the efforts and sacrifices of these past few days Camelot is entering a new age, and it is now our duty to take the last step and see that Albion comes to pass". She closed her eyes with a weary sigh "Now we should get some sleep, it's been... a long day."

After making their way back to the camp in a comfortable silence, they began to settle down for the night. Gwaine volunteered for first watch, but Percival insisted that since Gwaine was supposed to be in bed recovering and not there at all, he would at least get as much rest as he could. Gwen privately thought that he must be holding himself responsible for Gwaine's injuries, even though there was nothing more he could have done. If it hadn't been for him Gwaine would surely have died, as Morgana had obviously intended.

Merlin looked so innocent and vulnerable in his sleep. Once upon a time that might have been how he was inside, but the darkness of the past years had changed them all, and Merlin was no exception. She remembered how care free and light hearted he had been when he first arrived in Camelot. Back before everything somehow went wrong. She knew now, that all this time he had been fighting more than any of them. Fighting for the peaceful future that he knew Arthur would bring.

Gwen walked quietly over to him and crouched down, gently pulling his blanket which had fallen down to his waist back over him. Arthur's death was like a blade lodged into her heart, but she knew that it must be worse for Merlin. Would he ever be able to forgive himself? She worried how much this would change him. Because if there was one thing she was sure of, it was that he was not okay.

Gwen closed her eyes, wishing Arthur was there to help her face the uncertainty of the future that loomed ahead of them all. But knowing that never again would he be anything more than a memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only the epilogue left!


	4. Epilogue- you mourn but you live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The beauty of the world… has two edges; one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder."
> 
> -Virginia Woolf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last paragraph is the best

The rest of the journey home reassured Merlin that he was not, in fact, going to be punished and that his friends did not hate him. Although the ban had not been officially lifted they were surprisingly curious about his magic. Gwaine particularly was entertained by even the smallest of tricks. Despite all this, the only way he could sleep was with more of the dreamless sleeping potions sent by Gaius.

And although he did return to Camelot, nothing was ever the same for Merlin, and neither was Merlin ever the same. The first day back had been the worst: he had woken up right as the sun peeked over the horizon and jumped out of bed, falling over himself to get ready. It was only when he was passing Gaius sitting at the table that he remembered. Never again would he have to go and wrestle Arthur out of bed. Never again would he have to dash down to the bustling kitchens to get him breakfast, occasionally snatching a morsel for himself. Never again would he get scolded for being late, and promise it would never happen again. Never again.

For a very long time he could no longer walk through the castle without being assaulted by memories. It was a bittersweet experience, for although they were mostly good, it reminded him once again of what he had lost. What had been taken from him. He wondered if these achingly familiar walls would even be standing when Arthur finally returned.

Gwen was true to her word, and after consulting with the councilors lifted the ban on magic three days after returning, announcing her reasons to the people of Camelot. But it felt all wrong. As much as he loved and respected Guinevere, It was supposed to be Arthur saying those words. It was supposed to be Arthur setting him free.

There were whispers of shock when he, the dead King's well liked manservant, numbly stepped forwards as Gwen presented him as the new court Warlock. A position she had approached him about earlier that day, and one to which he had agreed. The various duties that came with it largely consisted of making sure the people and creatures of magic obeyed the new laws governing the use of their magic, and going on the most important and dangerous quests with the Knights.

Gaius was more like a father to him than ever, and unlike the Knights and servants he called friends seemed to recognize the difference between when he wanted somebody to talk to or just wanted to be left alone. It was more and more lately that Merlin seemed to be relying on Gaius to guide him, no longer very certain about anything in his life now that Arthur was dead and what he had believed his future to be was no longer possible.

Eventually Merlin made his way to the clearing where He, Arthur, and the Knights had gone to fight Kilgharrah. Lifting his face to the heavens, he roared in the voice of a Dragonlord "O drakon! E male so ftengometta tesd'hup'anankes!". He waited for hours, but Kilgharrah didn't come. And he didn't have any idea what was going on with Aithusa- would he ever see her again? Was she even still alive? Despite Gaius's constant presence, he now felt alone in the magic world.

But although Arthur had been loved by all, the world continued to turn around Merlin. Slowly, no matter how impossible it seemed, things moved on. You mourn, but you live. This point had been driven home when Gwen revealed that she was pregnant with Arthur's child, a fact that she had wisely been waiting till things finally calmed down to share.

The sudden acceptance of magic had been difficult for people to accept at first. For manny it was because the fear of magic had been driven into them since birth. But eventually there was a coexistence between the two worlds. As for Merlin, initially many people were scared of him and his constant presence at the heart of Camelot. But after he helped to put out a large out of control fire that had been started by a lantern falling into a stack of dry hay, people were much more friendly and accepting.

To his own surprise, in time Merlin found that he was eventually able to laugh without effort and feel happy without it being tainted by the sorrow of loosing Arthur. After all, despite everything he had to admit Arthur hadn't been the only thing in his life that made him happy. He had changed though, and everybody noticed it. Most prominent was that he was a little more withdrawn from almost everybody, the exceptions being for some reason Gwaine, and understandably Gaius. Sometimes he would get a far away look in his eyes as though he could see something nobody else could, and they all knew he was remembering.

The initial rush of magical problems he had to deal with as Court Warlock died away, and despite Gaius's rather patient efforts to further educate him in the arts of healing both magically and not, and he became profoundly bored. After he confided this to Gwaine, Gwaine proposed that when he was not busy with his other duties he could assist him. Not as a servant of course, for that kind of thing was considered inappropriate for the court warlock. But instead just as a helper and partner. Merlin accepted without hesitation, and found it not only entertaining but also educational. Although it wasn't likely he would need it, he became proficient at swordplay, and In only a few weeks had been to the tavern more times than he had in years. Usually to make sure Gwaine didn't get in too much trouble.

Gwen married Leon, but it was mostly for diplomatic reasons. Although they cared for each other dearly, it wasn't the kind of love she had had with Arthur. Leon had accepted that he would never truly have all her heart, and so they were happy anyways. In honor of Arthur they retained the name Pendragon, and most importantly young Cal had a proper father to help raise him.

 

Merlin stayed in Camelot even after the friends from his many adventures as the king's manservant died, remaining to help guide the Pendragon line. He made new friends of course, but never like those he had in Arthur's time. It was from experience that he learned he could not die from age, but whether or not he could be killed was another question entirely. 

When Camelot was no more and the days of Kings, Queens, and Knights had passed, he remained in a small town named Glastonbury that rose up beside Lake Avalon. Belief in magic slowly disappeared from the world, and the few that still possessed it were unaware or kept it a secret. And even as hundreds of years passed he waited, waited for the day his King would at last be returned to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You cannot find peace by avoiding life."
> 
> -Virginia Woolf
> 
> ======
> 
> so I am a little disappointed in myself about this Epilogue, it's kind of all over the place. But I like the end paragraph, so I forgive myself. Mostly. Review?


End file.
